The Place: Starbucks

The Cup: Iced mocha for Neil. I, feeling a bit more adventuresome than usual, decide to give the Chai Tea Latte a whirl. I see why folks love this creamy, rich beverage. So good!

Background: Cup 52, Brett Hurt was headed to the Cactus Cafe the evening of our interview, to a Jazz event hosted by his Rabbi. When I expressed how cool the event sounded, he went on to tell me how wonderful Rabbi Neil was, and that he was someone who exuded peace and spirituality. I was immediately intrigued and offered the hint, “Maybe he’d be interested in coffee with a stranger.” Brett admitted he didn’t know what Neil would think, but offered to ask. He asked; Rabbi Neil said yes. And I had the pleasure of sharing a hour with this incredible dude.

I know I’ve mentioned this before, but my process for my coffee meetings is to record the conversation, then go back and listen to the recording – this time taking notes, usually a day or two later. It’s a good process, and I find the time in between allows for the conversation to simmer in my mind. Then, going back to it allows for new things to bubble up.

This is one conversation that I was ready to listen to immediately. Neil, in his calm, assured, mellifluous tone, drops the most thought-provoking statements regarding things seemingly mundane. We’ll get into our conversation and the golden nuggets of wisdom, but first, some:

Common Grounds:

1. What’s a food you can’t live without?  If I couldn’t have a certain food anymore, I’d come to terms with it. I like my kale salad and I like my donuts too. You do the best you can.
2. How did you make your first buck? Babysitting. My first job was at age 14 working in a clothing store, then in a musical instrument repair shop.
3. What’s the best part about your job? Things are different every day. There are no expectations that things will be the same. Things can happen in a moment that will change the trajectory of everything. I love that.
4. What is the worst part about your job? Things are different every day.  Ultimately, there isn’t a stopping point. You have to know what you need to take care of now. I could be always working, always calling, and it’s never done.
5. What was the last thing you fixed? That’s a good question. I wish I could answer that. {You’re not handy?, I asked.} Not so much.
6. What is the best compliment you ever got? I don’t really dwell on that stuff. I don’t do it for that. I’ve gotten nice things said about me, but I’ve also gotten people who’ve been very disappointed. It’s a self-care thing. If I really internalized “Oh, that person really likes me,” then I’m opening myself up to a lot of things. I’m just trying to be confident that I, myself, can do what I need to do for that person. How they react to it is great, but ultimately on them. I know if I’m doing well, or not.
7. What is your favorite way to unwind? Read, meditate or exercise.
8. What was your favorite TV show as a kid? Tom and Jerry, and Brady Bunch.
9. What’s the best place to eat in Austin? With people I care about.

Neil is not a native Texan. He grew up in the suburbs of Chicago. From there, he headed to New Orleans for college, where he made two huge decisions. First, he met and fell in love with the woman he asked to marry him. They’ve now been married 20 years and have three children. Second, Neil made the decision to become a clergyman. After earning his Bachelor’s degree, he headed to New York, to the Jewish Theological Seminary.

When it came time for Neil and his wife to choose a city to live in after Neil was ordained, Neil considered all his options. Sweden was a location that held his interest. His wife, a New Orleans native, missed home and missed the sun. So when they learned that the Austin Jewish community was looking for someone, it seemed like a terrific choice.

At the time, as Neil says, “Austin was off the radar. It was this beautiful little secret. Not anymore!” Neil and his wife viewed Austin as a perfect place to lay their roots, and they agreed to a three year contract serving the Congregation Agudas Achim. “Austin presented a great opportunity to live our lives and contribute to helping the Jewish community here grow,” Neil said.

At the end of the contract, Neil was taken to a lunch where he was asked to sign a ten-year contract. “What? Ten years? I’ll be 40 by the end of it!” Neil thought to himself. He was hesitant to make that long of a commitment. But looking back, he admits, the 15 years they’ve been here have gone by in the blink of an eye. Students who had their Bar and Bat Mitzvahs during Neil’s time leading the congregation have now gotten married and started families. Neil says, “It’s an important feeling to be a part of a community; to not just be passing through, but to set up roots; to practice what you preach.” I asked him if he’s surprised he’s still here, and he says, “No, not really. Where else would I be?”

Neil is very involved with an organization in Austin called Interfaith Action of Central Texas (iACT). iACT brings together more than one hundred faith communities in the Austin area, including a wide range of faith traditions, with a mission to cultivate peace and respect through interfaith dialogue, service and celebration. The diversity in Austin is one of many things Neil loves about the city, remarking, “When I lived in New Orleans, everyone asked, ‘What high school did you go to?’ because they assumed you were from there. In Austin, everyone asks, ‘Where are you from?’ That energy is great. Everyone is from everywhere.”

When I ask about the most significant thing that’s happened in his life in the last 30 days, he tells me he tries to live with a sense of gratitude about every moment, particularly the present. He spends little time thinking about events in the past. After considering it for a moment, he tells me about the iACT citywide Thanksgiving celebration that he had a part in planning and he was also a part of the event itself. He says it was their most successful Thanksgiving celebration thus far, and I can tell he’s moved by the memories from the day.

Neil tells me about a 1964 album by famous Jazz musician John Coltrane, called Love Supreme. It is just four songs long. The final song is called Psalm, and while the song is instrumental, there are lyrics in the album liner. For this special Thanksgiving service, Neil assembled a few musicians to play the song while he sang the lyrics/poem Coltrane wrote. Neil describes the service and says the entire event was beautiful and soulful. It began with a Baptist choir singing on one side stage. Next was a performance by a Catholic choir. When Neil and the musicians played Psalm, it concluded with both choirs standing and being moved by the spirit. Everyone was moved – including me, just by hearing about it. Check out this video of Coltrane playing Psalm with the lyrics on the screen. Here are a few lines:

No road is an easy one, but they all go back to God.
With all we share God. It is all with God. It is all with Thee.
Obey the Lord. Blessed is He.
We are all from one thing… the will of God… Thank you God.

What is something about Neil he thinks people might be surprised to learn? He jokingly tells me that thanks to Facebook, probably not much. He says, “I try to be authentic. As people get to know me they see all sides. I really enjoy being in the moments that I’m in. I don’t have any outward ambitions to be something that I’m not. I am happy to be immersed in whatever I’m in without trying to parlay that into something bigger or grander. I’m really happy to be present.” I am impressed by this, as it’s something I strive for and fail at daily. I ask Neil if he’s always been this way, or, fingers crossed, maybe he discovered some secret to living in the moment that he can teach me. “As a younger person, I tried to cultivate the sense of honoring people and their story. It has always been important to me… knowing that this is the only day we have.  My phone rings a lot, and people’s lives can change on a dime. It’s important to always be mindful of that,” Neil says. So no secret trick really. Just an understanding of the fragility of life and an intention to live every moment.

Neil adds, “It’s not about who can give you the most. When someone has a need, or needs to talk, that’s where you need to be. In the moment. That’s the practice I like to practice.”

It occurs to me that the job of clergyman has the potential to be quite emotionally draining. I ask about this, and am curious how Neil deals with the demands.

“A lot of self-care. Recognition of how much you can handle, and an awareness of how invested you are or need to be. It’s about being present without taking it all on,” Neil says. He then reminds me about the character from the Green Mile who carried everyone’s sorrows and pain on his shoulders. “One could easily become that person – a person that eats everyone else’s troubles. There are going to be troubles. But really, what everyone wants, is to simply be heard. Just listen. The trick is to not take it on,” he tells me.

In addition to these healthy boundaries, Neil also enjoys outlets like reading, spending time alone and hiking and camping – either solo or with good friends. Neil says, “Camping is the best!” and then decides this is probably the thing people might be most surprised to learn about him.

Neil talks to me about a system he follows – ruthless prioritization. Again, it’s about knowing that you can’t do it all. You do what you can, and then you say, ‘What’s next?” The things that you don’t get to, you just have to let them go. Neil says, “If you put it out there, it will come back to you. If people are picking up what you’re putting down – I’m a big believer in that. I’ve got no agenda. It’s about listening. I want to hear what’s important to you, so I can internalize that and be more effective with you. Listening is an exchange – as long as you don’t need them to have something of yours, or to feel a certain way. As a clergyman, I say, ‘I give you permission to ask me questions, and you give me permission to not have to give you the answers.'”

I’m curious what the best advice Neil ever received might be.  He talks about a lesson he learned when he was the Chaplain in a children’s oncology unit. “Don’t just do something, stand there.” Neil explained, “You don’t need to do anything or fix anything. Just be there. That’s attention.” It’s a lesson that has many applications in Neil’s work as a Rabbi. He says, “When something bad happens, I don’t have a theological answer. I take their hand and tell them, ‘I don’t have the answers, but I’m here to just be with you now.’ That’s what I can do.”

That’s the most honest and sincere answer I’ve ever heard. And it makes me wonder why so many of us feel the need to know all the answers. It’s OK to not know. No one (except you, perhaps) expects you to have it all figured out. How could you, really? The time has come for us to be okay with not knowing. I’m mostly talking to myself here, but if the message applies to you, dear friend, you’re officially off the hook too.

A book that was impactful for many reasons in Neil’s life was Faulkner’s The Sound and The Fury. The same story is told by the five main characters in the book. Neil says, “It exposed me to the idea that there are multiple truths. It was an opportunity to see that your narrative is not the only narrative. Your truth is just part of the whole truth.” Neil then shared a story about his son trying to sneak a cookie. Neil’s wife caught him and told him to stop. He denied going for the cookies. When she caught him again and told him to stop, he again denied he was doing anything. After the third attempt was thwarted, once again by mom, he again said he wasn’t doing anything wrong. He subsequently let out a big sigh, looked at her and said, “Momma, what you say also happened.” That was either a very profound statement from the mouth of a babe, or a very clever cookie monster. Or both.

Neil is a musician. He plays the piano, the saxophone and he sings. I ask where the love of music came from, and he tells me he recognized at a young age that music communicates a lot more than speaking ever could.  He says, “It holds its silences in a way a conversation doesn’t. Silence is built into the majesty of what music is. And you can communicate with people who don’t even speak your language. It’s much deeper. It calls up emotions. It’s honest.”

How would Neil make his living if happiness were the national currency? Are you surprised to learn he’d do what he’s doing now? No? Yeah, me neither.

What qualities does Neil like in another person? Intelligence, honesty and discretion are his answers. It’s safe to assume these are qualities his congregation finds and appreciates about Neil.

What is the biggest issue facing society today? Neil surprises me with his answer. “Fear. Specifically, fear of one’s own death. Fear of one’s own insignificance; fear that one’s life is going to be over. We put ourselves in boxes, and then it’s hard to escape from that and reinvent yourself. People paint themeselves into a corner and then it’s too late. They either need to destroy the landscape around themselves, or to radically change. Usually that change involves someone else, because we’re afraid to blame ourselves for our own shortcomings. Who are you now? And what does that mean?”

Of his work as a Rabbi, Neil says, “Some things are worth dedicating your life to. In my work, I help people know who they are. It’s about helping them uncover and discover who they are without telling them what to do.”

What is a habit or practice that Neil is committed to daily that keeps him well and balanced? Prayer, physical activity, meditation, silence and breathing. He also shares with me a word/concept that I was unfamiliar with. Tsimtsum. It’s from the Jewish mystical tradition, and Neil tells me, it is a conscious letting go. Something I know I could use more practice in.

With 30 seconds to make a speech to the world, Neil’s message is this: “Know yourself. Be courageous. And let go. Don’t be afraid to die. Come to terms with and find peace in your life. Have compassion and patience with yourself – as you learn and as you fail. Don’t be afraid to say goodbye. Whatever you’re paying attention to in your life, will grow. Allow yourself to immerse deeply in the moments you’ve got and appreciate what you have. This is it!

So many lessons. So much wisdom and honesty.

Rabbi Neil’s story offers a reminder that we are all imperfect and in that imperfection lies our humanity. It’s our common experience. Everyone has struggles, truths they’d rather weren’t true, scars and blemishes. When we love someone deeply, we can look past these imperfections and love them even more for their raw honesty. When it comes to allowing ourselves that grace, the same rules don’t seem to apply. Our expectations are higher, and self-forgiveness doesn’t come quite as easy.

Neil reminds us that it’s OK to not have all the answers, silence is beautiful, listening is the best gift you can offer anyone and often the best solution is to simply let it go. Tsimtsum – consciously let go. In every situation, there are multiple truths. What you say is also true. And if all else fails, don’t just do something, stand there.